Monday, August 13, 2018

Strength in Weakness

Strength in Weakness
 
without a word your eyes tell a story
they even tell the truth behind a smile
no wonder why we look away so much
filling in the spaces with miles and miles of nowhere
until we see things for how they are
and heal past our scars
 
no one really knows all there is to know
how could they when we're this complicated?
so sedated as we let our fears take control
taking over where we've been and where we decide to go
until we brave the change
choose to heal or stay the same
 
there's a strength in weakness
that breathes between the seams
feed it light and watch it rise
see the fire in your eyes
teach it patience and words through action
make your moves through love and passion
face your weakness
look it in the eyes
cause there's a strength in weakness
that'll make us rise
 

it’s that pivotal moment to make a choice
after everything that’s happened, what will define us?
trust everything that was, isn’t going to be the same
vulnerability never felt so scary to face head on in this rain
let it wash away your tears
and make your fears disappear 
don't be afraid

there’s a strength in weakness
that breathes between the seams
outgrow the shadow that haunts your dreams


feed it light and watch it rise
see the fire in your eyes
and know it was all a lie
even though it’ll try to convince us otherwise


face your weakness
look it in the eyes
cause there’s a strength in weakness
that’ll make us rise
 
Love Always,
Lainey 




Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved


Monday, August 6, 2018

Half Exposed

Half Exposed

feet in the sand
half exposed
take my hand
forgive me if I can't look you in the eyes
it's one of those things where you'll realize
I might be too much for you
 
there's so much
I can't say
and your touch
makes me feel like everything's okay
but what if the day comes where you won't stay
cause everything always changes
 
 I've tried my best to forget
...and remember not everyone's the same
jaded and shaded not knowing the games I played in
but that's what I get for playing with fire in the rain
 
lights on the water
why do I even bother fantasizing about you? 
clear skies and different shades of blue
even your eyes bring out another shade of truth
 forgive me if I can't say it to you too
 
bright and blurry
it feels like
we're all in a hurry
I want to slow down and take our time
 leave our expectations behind
and enjoy each sunrise for now
 
sit on the beach
half exposed
talk about everything
don't hold back and look me right in the eyes
it's one of those things where you'll realize
this is where we're meant to be right now
 
maybe one day we'll know
when the other half's exposed too
...where to go


Love Always,
Lainey



Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved

Monday, July 30, 2018

The Climb

 The Climb
 
There was once a girl
who trusted the world
never afraid of what it could do
 
she was told to "venture the sky
go and seek your greatest height
there's nothing to lose"
 
never knowing
what she could lose
 
each height came with a price
years of trying to survive
through what it tried to take away
 
 she climbed anyway
 
first her heart was taught a new beat
then her mind, paused, stuck on repeat
slowly she climbed anyway
 
then her hands were burned from the ropes
another test of letting go
so she let go and climbed another way
 
there's always another way
 
once she lost her breath, blacked out, and fell
in a dark place confused for hell
upside down, a test of strength
 
she stayed
the loss was too great
to climb away
 
she was used to the things they'd say
 that she's not good enough or brave
but that's what fueled her strength
 
she started to climb away
 
 she climbed so high she passed  the sky
not knowing where she's going or why
only trusting what she felt was right

not looking back she climbed

no end in sight or map of the stars
just an imaginary ceiling and healing of scars
living for today when infinity is ours

she kept climbing

and there'll be more slips and spills
low and high thrills
and she'll hold on until

she needs to find another way to climb

it might've been easier to stay on the floor
never searching or reaching for more
playing it safe in mediocre boredom

all the more reason to climb

now that she can climb
she learns to dance and soon to fly...
 to know her is to look to the sky to find her eyes

and watch her climb

Love Always,
Lainey
 
 
 
 
Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

When Worlds Collide

Feels like a dream
unheard and unseen
masterpiece of chaos
but it looks so beautiful from the outside
when worlds collide
 
I know you're close
my heavenly ghost
speak to me in numbers
and whisper feathers far from home
a language only you and I know
 
Can't forget your face
break the rules of time and space
speak to me in late night dreams
the only time I can fall asleep now
impatiently waiting for you to come around
 
I see you
in phases of the moon
pulling me to a candlelit room
where our shadows dance of memories
you and me
 
I look to the sky
at least a million times
sunrise mornings and late at night
sometimes it's the same thing or the same time
hoping you would find me here...
 
Feels like a dream
unheard and unseen
masterpiece of chaos
but it looks so beautiful from the outside
when worlds collide
 
 
 
Love Always,
Lainey

 
Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved


Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Cluster of Stars

I see a map in your eyes
a cluster of stars that don't match mine
lost in a place we've been before
there's comfort in the silence
but we both want more

We wake under the same sun
bathing us in secrets left unsung
hiding from stars that guide us away
there's a comfort in the light
but we both can't stay
 
Parts of you I can't resist
 I dream of you in colors that don't exist
I stay awake to forget your face
there's a comfort in the night
 with moonlight it fades
 
Now is the time to break the chain
face the fears or remain the same
rip the veil that kept us confined
start to see with these new eyes
aware and redefined
 
There's a pulling of strings under my shirt
risk the highest fall and dust off the dirt
it's nothing I haven't done before
so why am I afraid this time?
'cause it can't be ignored
 
 
...
...I see a map in these eyes
a cluster of stars that might be mine... 
 
 
Love Always,
Lainey


Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Bees in the Trees

When I got up this morning, it seemed just like any other ordinary day... except it wasn't.  I've tried to sleep but something in me felt the need to document this day.  So here I am, writing.  Still wired from today's natural and refreshing "high".  I'll try not to get too spiritual here to keep the focus on the events themselves but some background is needed to follow these series of events. 

Yes, I do believe in a higher power.  I always have.  Even as a child I've had several personal experiences where I couldn't deny the existence of Angels... each so significant, I can vividly recall each occurrence.  Then Life gets in the way and so does self-absorption.  Meaning, we tend to get in this tunnel vision.  Set goals, attain them, set goals, attain them, and so on... not really appreciating the present moment and all it offers us.  It takes us to a place where we just get by, look ahead, and oftentimes lose touch with that extra sense of purity.  The purity of that innate quality of just emanating and receiving love without expectations, hesitations, or reservations.  It just happens freely and naturally and we are able to not second guess anything but trust that it's there.  Trust that it's always around us and with us.  Trust that there are things we don't always fully understand but to remain open to what instinctively feels right.  Life is full of uncertainties (a clichΓ© we grew up hearing) and all these negative experiences sometimes cloud our awareness of the significance each moment has to offer.   

Ok, enough of all that!  There are so many unmistakable things that happened over the last couple of weeks.

1. Numbers, Numbers, Numbers.  They are inescapable.  They're everywhere.  I don't know if it was subconscious or coincidental or what!  I guess it's called "Synchrony".  Not only do I keep seeing repetitive numbers, I'm seeing dates... in the time, on license plates, on paperwork, etc.  It's weird.  I would randomly check the time and it's 1:11, 11:11, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 5:55.  Perhaps my circadian rhythms are in sync with the time?  Like whenever I feel tired, bored, wake up, or out of habit/routine I check the time?  I don't know.  Or see patterns or significant dates in license plates.  For example:  I would be at a red light, stuck in traffic, or be cut off by some rude, inconsiderate car and just look at the license plate in front of me and if there are numbers in any particular order (like a birthday or any other significant date) it would just make me think of that person or event in the moment.  I look at license plates a lot because I used to watch all those crime shows and want to be able to describe the cars should there be an accident, hit and run, or Amber Alert.  It happens a lot and most of the time it's my best friend's birthday I see and then I get a call from her within 20 minutes... which is rare because we hardly ever talk because she is in a very intense double Master's program where she has little to no contact outside of that.  I maybe talk to her once a month (twice if I'm lucky).  It happens with other people too.  People I hardly talk to.  It's like having a song stuck in your head out of no where.  An old song or a song you don't normally listen to or think of, but as soon as you turn on the radio or put your songs on shuffle, that random song plays.  That happens too.   

2. Do you ever just intuitively know things you can't explain?  Like a mother who knows when her child is in danger or needs help out of no where, or a twins who just know what's going on with the other even though they are miles apart... If you have an unbreakable bond with someone, you can feel them no matter where you are.  It can be pleasant as you can share love and excitement on a deeper level but it can also be stressful and draining.  I don't know if it's a good thing or not because sometimes it keeps me up at night.  If anyone knows what this is like, what do you do?  How do you calm it down?  Can it be controlled?  I try to control it but I think that I just end up blocking myself off and shifting my focus instead of dealing with things the right way... maybe?  What is the purpose of this because what can we really do other than worry?   

3.Then there are things that happen that can initially be seen as an inconvenience but then end up working out better than we could have planned.  This actually happened today.  Today my friend and I were going to practice aerial silks on our lunch break.  We went to our normal tree and I climbed half way up only to be stopped by 3 bees in the tree (hence the title of this entry).  I waited a couple minutes but they were not leaving.  Gotta love Spring!  So we decided to just stretch and maybe work on some partner yoga or acro.  We may have only started stretching for a couple minutes when we were approached by a man about to jog on a nearby trail.  He mentioned he's seen us practice a few times and asked us about silks, blah blah blah... asked us what we did for work, he was a pretty successful music producer for most of his life but wanted a change, talked of travel (he was from Manchester), then got on this whole other topic of Life.  Life experiences, spirituality, mindfulness, meditation, health, dating, relationships, love... just having those deep, authentic, and meaningful conversations with a complete stranger.  Something that might be worth mentioning is in the middle of our conversation, was a baby bird that fell out of a nearby tree and unfortunately died.  It was a dove.  The mother came right down and tried to check on it but the baby didn't make it.  We ended up burying it by the tree.  After that, we continued to talk about Life.  No judgement, no sensor. Just authentic and raw.  I didn't wake up this morning thinking I needed that, but it truly lifted my spirit (and theirs from what we all later told each other).

It was like I rediscovered my old self again; and knowing I'm on the right path brings comfort.  No matter how far I've tried to veer off course, I'm brought back and the people who stayed or came back in my life are stuck with me!  We're bonded and that unconditional love exists with us.  And the new ones who I'm getting to know are amazing too!  My heart is happy...  I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  Nothing is forced.  Everything feels natural.  I feel as though my light is shining a little brighter.  I'm reminded I'm protected, loved, and cared for.  I'm happy.  I am able to continue to give and receive love.  Thank you, Angels (Mama, I know you're working hard to guide me and I've been so blinded by hurt to listen but I'm trying to get better at listening to you).  I'm ready to enjoy and appreciate the rest of this Life.  I knew this is supposed to be the Year of Light!  This little light of mine... I'm going to let it shine... let it shine... let it shine... let it shine!          

Love Always,
Lainey  

                     
 

Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved


Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Dare

 
Dare to accept a new challenge.  You have so much power and potential, you may not even realize it.  The magnitude of all you can do when you go full force can be shocking when you look back at how far you've come.  The possibilities are endless.  I'm guilty of staying in my comfort zone for too long.  Now I've made promises to myself to lunge forward and propel myself into what feeds my soul.  It can be anything.  Every unique thing about you such as: the things you like, your strengths, weaknesses, passions, dreams, etc. is a star map to your purpose...your destiny.  We may try and force ourselves in this cookie cutter mold of what everyone else is doing, what everyone else expects from us, but the truth is... all that superficial bullshit is only holding us back.  Dare them to underestimate you!  So what if they judge a book by its cover?  That's the biggest mistake anyone can make.  It can work in your favor too.  The smile on your face is worth a lot more than the car you're driving or the purse you're holding or the watch you're wearing.  Symbols of status are nothing more than extra marketing designed to throw us off our course and onto someone else's.  It then becomes their game and we are just pieces being played on a board game meant to reach the end to win.  Their limited version of "winning".  BORING!   Leave the board.  Don't let them tell you you're next move.  Don't let their lack of options limit your choices for your next move.  Because in the end, make sure you used your time and energy wisely by being happy and not worrying about trying to impress other people who are really not worth the energy in the first place.  How condescending when people claim to "feel sorry" for others who are happy being their true selves and not being like everyone else.  Clap back (with grace of course) and show them how the extraordinary are meant to be different.  In the words of Dr. Seuss "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"     
 
Who says the only direction you can go is left or right, forwards or backwards?  You can go up too!  ...Or diagonal, or down if you like diving.  I'm a firm believer that we can do anything we want if we continue to work hard for it.  Failure is a sign of success because it means you went  for it.  Keep trying and don't give up.  NEVER give up.  Don't let someone tell you you're dreams are too big, or it's unrealistic.  How do they know?  They're either: 1. jealous and want to discourage you because it can be a threat to their self-esteem, 2. projecting their fears and lack of confidence in themselves onto you (still in line with number 1), 3. may have good intentions but they might live in a bubble and may not be knowledgeable of the topic, 4. They had dreams like yours once and it didn't work out for them, or 5. all about numbers, statistics, and playing it safe... sure sometimes the odds may be against us, but those who've dared to strategically and passionately go against the odds are  the ones who win.  There's a reason you're after it... it has your name on it, go for it!
 
It must suck for those nonbelievers because little do they know many of us have a rebellious nature and they are actually adding fuel to the fire.  I "feel sorry" for them holding themselves back from all the amazing things they could be doing, but instead just wasting potential talent.  Just you wait and see.  Don't give up, don't give in, GIVE IT YOUR ALL and you will WIN! 
 
If it was easy, everyone would do it.  The comebacks are greater than the setbacks!  Dare to do it and prepare yourself for your next move.   

    
 Love Always,
Lainey

 
 
 
 
Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved

Monday, March 5, 2018

After Hours

Where does your mind wander late at night?  Do you hold back or are you able to be free?  Do you relax?  Do you have fun?  Do you get creative?  Are you on autopilot?  I used to be on autopilot.  Out of the cage, I'm able to think and do things outside of the box.  It helps by surrounding myself with people who encourage me to express myself; through journaling/blogging, poetry, music, dance, sports, and now I'm adding aerial arts to the list.  Little did I know what I was actually getting myself into.  I thought I had done all the research: getting the equipment, conditioning, training, etc. But that's not all there was to it.  Like a shark, once the blood was tasted, there's no going back... and now more is not enough.  I've been practicing silks for a little over a month.  I've also practiced on lyra (most commonly known as hoop), hammock (U-shaped silks), and pole so far.   

Anyone who knew me years ago would swear they wouldn't guess in a million years I would be doing the things I'm doing.  Well... actually if they REALLY knew me they would've guessed but I used to date guys who would manipulate and low-key make me doubt myself by having very strong opinions about things women should and shouldn't do.  Come to find out, it doesn't matter what they think if they're just going to cheat with women who do some things they supposedly felt so strongly against anyways... like wearing red lipstick, for example.  I know, right??  But it's no one's fault but mine.  I shouldn't have been so overly compromising.  I've learned to still compromise but to trust my intuition more.  Thank goodness, not everyone shares the same opinions about things like red lipstick.  And if they did, that's a red flag!

It helps to also gravitate to less judgmental people and I've found myself immersed with a lot of creative thinkers.  People who are able to have differences in opinions while still respecting others for theirs.  People who are able to hold deep conversations without using the vulnerable information I've given them to throw back at me in an argument later.  What a difference!     

This newfound empowering feeling of having this freedom of expression has opened my eyes.  I'm also around intelligent women who build each other up.  In the studio there is no looking each other up and down, side eye, RBF (resting b*tch face), backwards compliment "girl language" (where it sounds like they're complimenting you but really they're saying the exact opposite).  Finally, a place where women are not competing with each other... even though there are actual professional competitions.  But I've seen constructive criticism, support, and genuine excitement for each other's achievements.  I'm so happy to be a part of this!

In the midst of this new area of life, I've discovered the darker side of me finally came to light.  With all the cheating while my mom was at her sickest, losing my mom to cancer, and threatening to get rid of the dogs (to my dad via text because we weren't talking) if I didn't take them (and I was in no position to take them-especially since one of the dogs he raised for 6 years before I even came into the picture and now he's 12 years old), amongst other things... it made me really resentful.  Now that I've been able to acknowledge it, get over it, and own up to my own mistakes, that darkness and resentment finally faded after a year and a half.  It feels liberating to finally put it out there because I'm done trying to pretend it wasn't as bad as it was.  I'm finally able to let it all go for myself so I can move forward.  *exhale* I'm so thankful for people with patience around me and for people who show me not everyone is like the people of our past. 

Speaking of inspiration...  I've always been inspired by my mom who would encourage me to not be afraid to be unconventional. I've always been inspired by my dad who shows me everyday what unconditional love means.  I've been inspired by music and lyrics.  I've been inspired by all the things that have always set my soul on fire and sharing it with people who also appreciate it is an amazing feeling.  I've accomplished everything I knew I always would (so far) and there is so much more I'm going after!  I don't care about people's opinions of cirque sports or pole dancing if they don't understand there is more to it than gentleman's clubs.  My skin is thicker, my backbone is a lot stronger, and I'm going to continue to explore, discover, and take chances... looks can be deceiving.  Especially after hours, are we even the same person?  Or are we always that person and just waiting for the right time?  I think you already know the answer.   




Love Always,
Lainey


Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved


Sunday, February 25, 2018

February Dreams

 
When your head hits the pillow and you fall to sleep, we drift into dreams that can either guide us or hinder us.  What do we think about right before we fall asleep?  Are we worried about what we're doing the next day?  Are we thinking about all the things we need to do or didn't do and rush to sleep so we can get up to do them?  It's normal because I think most of us are guilty of this.  Dream journals could reveal nightmares are caused by fear, anxiety, and stress.  Sometimes we're so busy we don't even remember our dreams or just wake up during the wrong sleep cycle.  These dreams do reveal themselves in other ways just in case we missed them: like experiencing deja vu, having an unexplained reason for having a certain phobia, or are put in a mood without knowing why.  Brain chemistry is interesting and can explain a lot, but there is more than just hard science behind these answers.  Think consciousness. 

I have trouble sleeping a lot.  There are so many things I need to do and want to do.  It's hard to shut off my brain so I can relax and sleep, hence the guilt that was aforementioned.  There's always melatonin, a warm glass of milk, or glass of wine that could help, but I usually use that as a last resort.  Instead, I am constantly retraining the way I think.  This includes my thinking patterns before I fall asleep.  Besides the times I usually end up falling asleep, I have been building better habits... better thinking habits.  All the things I would think about and plan for the next day, I would write in my planner or on post-its and make efforts to not perseverate on these tasks after 10pm.  If I found myself thinking about it, I would force myself to think of something else like a trip or fun activity to plan.  There is no sense in worrying about something I couldn't handle at the moment.  Even if I could handle it at the moment, it's important to create balance with stress.  If there is a big project or task that requires extreme focus and attention, set aside a few hours to handle it.  No phone, no distractions, just focus and attention to the task. Then after those hours you set aside, reward yourself with a break.  The trick is, using your breaks wisely too.  Give them purpose.   

This is not an easy thing to do, I understand.  These habits didn't form over night.  I am constantly working on this.  I think about all the people and things I am grateful for.  I think about how I am lead up to this moment for a reason and to keep following my soul's voice as I'm finding new ways to evolve through setting aside time to discover it and engage in it.  If I was always hyper-focused on things that stress me out, I wouldn't have been able to explore and develop other interests.

Tonight, as I'm falling to sleep, I'm going to think about spending time with loved ones and how I appreciate them.  I'll list off how they inspire me (like counting sheep).  Hopefully, these thoughts will shape my dreams into a paradise I could visit nocturnally so I can wake up with a smile and a heart full of gratitude.  A paradise with light breaking through the trees surrounded by waterfalls and budding flowers.  These remaining February dreams will march us to March... where we can continue to let the Year of Light lead the way. 


Love Always,
Lainey       

   


 
 
Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Purple Skies


Ever witness something or dream about it, and feel a fire ignite inside you?  And that fire seemed to awaken a passion- a sleeping dragon sort of speak?  I've had my share of short lived interests like: trying to learn a new language, crafting, scrapbooking, etc.  But some things just never went away.  Let's face it, hobbies and interests are expensive and time/energy consuming.  We live in a world where we have other obligations that need to be prioritized.  It's a fact of life we need to accept as we achieve the "American Dream" -Right?! 

When we live the day to day, and the days start blending together-What are we doing? We learn to "put up" with things that hinder our growth.  We ignore our dying flame.  The flame that makes us original... as we are transforming to copies of upheld expectations the world's pressure molds us into.  Then we begin to see things like addiction, infidelity, and depression start to rise and we question where it came from?  Sure there may be some components of genetic predisposition, but there are preventative measures we can take to fulfill our purpose.  Not only that, it will give us more happiness and determination to fulfill that purpose when we feed the fire inside us (in healthy ways of course!).        

My most recent passion that's been awakened was for the aerial arts.  More specifically, aerial silks.
I jokingly mentioned it to my friend who I had been working out with, expecting her to just say, "oh cool" like most people and change the subject, or laugh and brush it off but she didn't.  She was intrigued and asked me how I was going to do it.  I just started spitting out all these cool workouts I wanted to try, building flexibility and balance, how I was stretching at home, and conditioning routines that needed to be done.  I had done some research!  She got us each a passion planner where we could map out our passions and make them happen as we kept up with all the other areas of our lives... family, friends, work, etc.  It turns out she was passionate about it too and we began training together for aerial silks!  We even signed up for classes together. 

The time has come where I couldn't hold back anymore and just bought a set of silks.  I chose the color purple as a dedication to my mom who I lost two years ago this month.  It was her favorite color as well as my own.  So this is for her too!  This is my way of not being boring if or when she checks in on me.  I've always had it in me to seek things with great heights (i.e., mountains, skydiving, waterfalls, trees, stunting in cheerleading, just about anything you can think of...) I'm surprised my parents didn't freak out.  They never did, even when I would fall.  It was everyone else who would!  They would still let me play outside and get dirty, take me to practice, watch my practices and games, competitions, rehearsals, and performances... they were even there when I went skydiving.  I was blessed with amazing parents!  I have an amazing support team all the way around and have never felt this amount of encouragement before!  It's incredible and I want to pass it on to others as well!

I don't know how far I'm going to go with the aerial arts.  Right now I want to just have fun with it and look up techniques and tricks I can try.  I want to challenge myself.  You can bet that the things that look the most complicated are the things I want to try.  But I have to be strategic and work my way up.  I am tempted to just take short cuts, but I don't think that would benefit me.  I want to do this the right way.  This is just another passionate outlet to help me learn, grow, and fulfill my purpose in this lifetime.  I believe that all these unique things that captivate me are all interconnected and lead me towards where I need to go and do what I need to do for some reason.  So this year, I am going to make sure to do that!  Passion project 2018, aerial arts and beyond (cause who knows what else can set my heart and soul on fire)! 

My friend and I started a shared Instagram page
@journeybeyondaerialsilks

as a way to inspire others to put their passions to action now too.  We can support, inspire and encourage each other.  We are still able to focus on family, friends, work, and our other interests (writing, photography, hiking, dancing, music, spoiling our fur babies, extreme sports, meditating, reading, traveling, significant others, going to concerts, ...) After all, we need recovery days when we are just too sore to do a full on full body workout again.  I can't wait until we start to see results!

If you see hints of purple in the skies, I hope it awakens your sleeping dragon.  Set that passion into action and excel.  Don't stop now.  Don't get too comfortable here... change is always inevitable and most times unpredictable.  Put things in your planner to look forward to.  Find yourself and the right people will leave you and the right people will gravitate towards you.  You will feel the difference in the best way once you get past the adjustment.  Let these beautifully painted skies lead you to your next destination.  All you have to do is look up and keep that fire burning.  Stay original.  It may take one second (or a double tap) for someone to "like" something and not think twice about it later, but even if it's only seen and not "liked"...if it stands out and is thought provoking or different, it may linger a little longer and hopefully spark some inspiration to think outside the box too... and that's how a tiny spark can start a fire.


*
Purple Skies

There's a heart I've known
before I even came to life
it's kept me alive
it's the wish I made
with every candle blown

it's in the earth
 in every breath we think is ours
painted across the purple skies
past the moon, beyond the stars
and reflected from both windows of our eyes

*

Love Always,
Lainey






Copyright © 2018. All Rights Reserved


Pulse

  Pulse There’s a pulse in the middle of nowhere And it calls to me I can feel it come in ripples  Suddenly and calming  I can hear it far o...