Anyone who knew me years ago would swear they wouldn't guess in a million years I would be doing the things I'm doing. Well... actually if they REALLY knew me they would've guessed but I used to date guys who would manipulate and low-key make me doubt myself by having very strong opinions about things women should and shouldn't do. Come to find out, it doesn't matter what they think if they're just going to cheat with women who do some things they supposedly felt so strongly against anyways... like wearing red lipstick, for example. I know, right?? But it's no one's fault but mine. I shouldn't have been so overly compromising. I've learned to still compromise but to trust my intuition more. Thank goodness, not everyone shares the same opinions about things like red lipstick. And if they did, that's a red flag!
It helps to also gravitate to less judgmental people and I've found myself immersed with a lot of creative thinkers. People who are able to have differences in opinions while still respecting others for theirs. People who are able to hold deep conversations without using the vulnerable information I've given them to throw back at me in an argument later. What a difference!
This newfound empowering feeling of having this freedom of expression has opened my eyes. I'm also around intelligent women who build each other up. In the studio there is no looking each other up and down, side eye, RBF (resting b*tch face), backwards compliment "girl language" (where it sounds like they're complimenting you but really they're saying the exact opposite). Finally, a place where women are not competing with each other... even though there are actual professional competitions. But I've seen constructive criticism, support, and genuine excitement for each other's achievements. I'm so happy to be a part of this!
In the midst of this new area of life, I've discovered the darker side of me finally came to light. With all the cheating while my mom was at her sickest, losing my mom to cancer, and threatening to get rid of the dogs (to my dad via text because we weren't talking) if I didn't take them (and I was in no position to take them-especially since one of the dogs he raised for 6 years before I even came into the picture and now he's 12 years old), amongst other things... it made me really resentful. Now that I've been able to acknowledge it, get over it, and own up to my own mistakes, that darkness and resentment finally faded after a year and a half. It feels liberating to finally put it out there because I'm done trying to pretend it wasn't as bad as it was. I'm finally able to let it all go for myself so I can move forward. *exhale* I'm so thankful for people with patience around me and for people who show me not everyone is like the people of our past.
Speaking of inspiration... I've always been inspired by my mom who would encourage me to not be afraid to be unconventional. I've always been inspired by my dad who shows me everyday what unconditional love means. I've been inspired by music and lyrics. I've been inspired by all the things that have always set my soul on fire and sharing it with people who also appreciate it is an amazing feeling. I've accomplished everything I knew I always would (so far) and there is so much more I'm going after! I don't care about people's opinions of cirque sports or pole dancing if they don't understand there is more to it than gentleman's clubs. My skin is thicker, my backbone is a lot stronger, and I'm going to continue to explore, discover, and take chances... looks can be deceiving. Especially after hours, are we even the same person? Or are we always that person and just waiting for the right time? I think you already know the answer.
Love Always,
Lainey
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